Got to Love your Family
by MRS.waitforit.STARK
Summary: Pin the tail on the donkey, muffins, pink mini skirts, a fluffy teddy bear, and toothpaste. What does this have to do with the Cullens? Oh well, They still love their Family! Nessie and Jacob will be included. Bella is vampire. After BD
1. Not the Sea Donkeys!

Got to Love your Family

A/N ~ Welcome to the sequel to GTLYB! :) Well, it random and funny. At least in my perspective its funny.

Summary ~ Pin the tail on the donkey, muffins, pink mini skirts, a fluffy teddy bear, and toothpaste. What does this have to do with the Cullens? Oh well, They still love their Family! Nessie and Jacob will be included. Bella is vampire. After BD

Disclaimer ~ I don't own _Twilight _or anything affiliated with _Twilight._ I also do not own the song Barbie Girl by Aqua. That belongs to....um....someone.

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1. Not the Sea Donkeys!

Third person POV

It was a quiet and calm day in the large white mansion nestled into the enchanting forest. Or was it?

"Spinning her, round and round she goes, and when she stops? Nobody knows!" Carlisle sang out. Esme was in a bright red blindfold. She held a fabric donkey tail with a green tack stuck through it. Emmett and Rosalie watched curiously.

Esme stumbled around drunkenly just as Jacob padded in on wolf form. On his back was Nessie. Esme brushed against Jacob's tail, then lunged for his butt and stabbed the tail into his thigh.

Jacob yelped and jumped, knocking over a vase full of flowers. Emmett burst into hysterical laughter and stumbled over to Carlisle, muttering about gnomes.

"Did I get him?" Esme asked.

"Nope." Rosalie declared.

"Darn." she pulled the tail out of Jacob's butt and proceeded to try and stab the tail into Carlisle's thigh. She wasn't getting very far.

A timer dinged in the kitchen. "My muffins are done!" Rosalie exclaimed. Jacob walked in, fully clothed and human. "Did I hear muffins!"

"You can't have any, dog!" Rosalie snapped.

"Not even if I convince Emmett to dress like a girl and dance to Barbie Girl by Aqua?" Jacob said slyly.

"Fine, here!" she thrusted the hot pan of muffins in his hands then stomped into the dining room to play with play-doe. Jacob quickly tossed all the muffins into a plastic bag.

"Oh, Emmett! Will you please dress up in Alice's underwear and dance around to Barbie Girl by Aqua!? Please?"

"No! I'm busy!" Emmett declared. He went back to staring at the wall.

"I've got muffins!" Jacob declared.

"OKAY!!!" Emmett and Jacob disappeared just as Alice and Jasper came downstairs.

"Alice, I don't see why you want your hair to look like mine."

"Because your hair is amazing! I want your hair!" Alice and Jasper sat down in front of the floor length mirror.

"Alright, I'll help you style your hair like mine! Esme, I'm gonna need a brush, some blonde hair dye, some Root Beer, and a little bit of tuna salad."

Esme scampered of to get the ingredients. Although, she ran into a wall because Carlisle forgot to take off her blindfold.

Oh, well!

Bella and Edward came down the stairs, deep in discussion. "Bella, I really, really, really, really, really, really want to become an astronaut!"

"But, if you go to Neptune, you can't breathe air and you'll have to eat toothpaste, and the sea donkeys will get you!!!" Bella wailed. "And then I'll be an old lady when you get home!"

"Bella, your immortal. But I'm a little bit afraid of the sea donkeys and the toothpaste."

"Me too!" Bella declared. "That's why you can't go! I used a lot of logic – "

Bella was interrupted by the blaring of Barbie Girl. Emmett tackled Edward down the stairs then stood up and started to sing the song, while doing the Cha-cha.

"Emmett, you are to big for my underwear!" Alice screeched.

"Alice, sit still, your mucking up your new hair-do!" Jasper wailed.

"Jasper, I can't find any tuna salad!" Esme said, walking into the room, still blindfolded.

"Jacob, where is my muffins?" Emmett asked.

"Jacob, I hope you gave Emmett his muffins. He'll eat you if you don't" Rosalie warned, her play-doe sculpture in her hand.

"Let's play pin the tail on the donkey, Esme!" Carlisle squealed.

"Bella, I still want to be an astronaut!" Edward complained.

"No, Edward, Not the sea donkeys!!!!"

"I'm hungry." Jacob declared.

Like I said before. It was a quiet day at the Cullen household.

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A/N well, there it is. REVIEW! Please....


	2. Cooking with Emmy Bear

Got to Love Your Family

A/N ~ Sorry about the wait.

Summary ~ Pin the tail on the donkey, muffins, pink miniskirts, a fluffy teddy bear, and toothpaste. What does this have to do with the Cullens? Oh well, they still love their Family! Nessie and Jacob will be included. Bella is vampire. After BD

Disclaimer ~ I don't own _Twilight _or anything affiliated with _Twilight._ I also do not own the phrase "What the Fuzz" That belongs to **fanpirealice.**

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2. Cooking with Emmy Bear

Emmett's POV

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Today was a cookin' day at the Cullen residence. Jacob and Nessie left to do whatever virgins do in their spare time. Wink, wink... Edward and Bella were discussing the pros and cons of chipmunks. Alice was dancing. Duh. Rosalie was being hot. Carlisle was doing Doctor Tricks for stupid unreliable gnomes! Esme was trying to infiltrate a fort. Jasper was riding his motorcycle very nakedly. And I was left alone to do nothingness.

It was dark in the room I was entering. Knives gleamed on the walls surrounding me. There was a faint smell of peanut butter floating through the air. It was a strange aroma, and it led me to believe that all chickens should be made into waffles. A strange conclusion, I noted. Stupid pen! It won't write!

Now I can't spill my secrets to Jimmy, the journal!

I flicked the light on and...THE KITCHEN! A scream rang out! I threw myself into the cupboards. I smashed my head on a box of Cheerios. OUCH!

Nessie and Jacob looked up from the floor. Guilty as charged! Jacob was holding a set of cards.

"AH HA! I have caught you naughty little children! I'm telling Mommy!" I screeched.

Nessie quickly gained a cover up. "Hey, Emmett! I'm hungry! Make me cookies!"

I was struck by the geniusness of this idea! I am a professional chef in my spare time. But sometimes I forget. And then I eat garbage. Which is bad, from what Alice tells me as a bedtime story.

FLASHBACK TIME!

Alice was dressed up as an old Grandma. On her head she wore a white wig. It was curled. She had really thick goggles on. She was wearing a princess dress.

"Never eat garbage, Emmy! You'll get constipated!"

NO MORE FLASHBACKS!

Well, that was weird!

Jacob and Nessie stared at me as if I was chocolate rabbit.

"Stop looking like you want to eat me, Nessie!" I yelled out.

"Well, I'm hungry! Jacob refuses to feed me! He says I'm overweight for a three year old!" Nessie burst in to gut-wrenching tears. Seriously, I had a wrench in my gut. I ate the garbage! I didn't listen to Alice. She was ugly!

"Fine, I'll make you cookies!" I screamed.

I looked at Jacob, "Shut up, Jacobi One - Kenobi!" he stared at me. Stunned. Like a rabbit. Only not, cause I'm the rabbit.

Jacob and Nessie made like a tree. They leafed. And I got out the cooking supplies! This was going to be a mission that is impossible. Mission Impossible. Good God!

I looked at the instructions. _Two eggs._ I threw two little white fluffy peeping things in a bowl. Peeping things said "Save Me!" in animal talk, but I ignored them, because I don't speak animal talk. But Esme does!

So, I am deciding to skip in time.

_3 hours later._

The kitchen was a mess. I was mess. Nessie was a mess. Alice was shocked into dancing. Jacob was on the floor. Rosalie was pissed off, and Edward and Bella were making out. But I had my cookies. Even if they were kinda fluffy.

Nessie took a bite. The cookies peeped. "Save Me!"

Nessie took the cookies out of her mouth. "What was that Alice?"

"I didn't say anything!"

Nessie shrugged and everyone held their breath as she took a bite. She chewed for a second, a thoughtful expression on her face. Suddenly, she spat the cookies out. It landed on Jacob's nose and he started licking at it like a dumb dog! Nessie slammed cookie on the counter top and it began crawling away, but nobody noticed this because of the angry expression on Nessie's face.

For a second, I thought she was going to notice the feathers and the little eyes peeking out at her. I held my breath, waiting for her to start screaming about the little claws.

"GOD, YOU USED SALT INSTEAD OF SUGAR! WHAT THE FUZZ, EMMETT!"

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So it's been a long time. Review if you want the poor baby chickens to be saved!


	3. Save the Chickies!

Got to Love your Family

A/N ~ Ugh. Review?

Summary ~ Pin the tail on the donkey, muffins, pink miniskirts, a fluffy teddy bear, and toothpaste. What does this have to do with the Cullens? Oh well, they still love their Family! Nessie and Jacob will be included. Bella is vampire. After BD

Disclaimer ~ I don't own _Twilight _or anything affiliated with _Twilight._ I also do not own the outfit Emmett's wearing in this chapter. That belongs to Peter Parker.

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3. Save the Chickies!

Alice's POV

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"Du nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, du nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh SPIDER MAN! Spider man!" Emmett screeched as he slid down the banister of the stair case. The spider man costume he was wearing was skin tight and annoying.

He was interrupting my Blue's Clues hour!

I love that stupid blue dog and his dorkwad friends… But the show was so much better when Steve was on it, not Joe! Who does Joe think he is?

"Emmett, what are you doing?" My uncontrollable husband asked.

"Playing spider man with Rosa-pee!" Emmett declared.

"Oh, Spider man! Save Me! Saaavveee – AH!" Rosalie fell from the chandelier onto an unsuspecting Carlisle.

Suddenly, Blue's Blues was dumb! The future has spoken! I know what I seen! "Emmett! Screw Rosa-dee! We must save the chickies!"

"The chickies?"

"The Chickies!" I jumped off the couch and rain into the coffee table. Esme – who was hiding from Edward under the table – yelped.

"Ha! I found you!" Edward declared. "Game over! Bellalalalala and I will go be un-virgin's now!" He scooped Bella up and ran upstairs.

Emmett shuffled his feet… "Rosa-bee? Will you please come be a non-virgin with me?"

"Emmett!" I screeched. "Have you forgotten our mission? We must save the chickies!"

"Right! Here's our plan! Alice and I will head to the kitchen and alter the DNA of lemons so we have back-up. Rosa-tree and Carlisle, you're in charge of protecting the welfare of all kittens! Jacob – Call your pack of smelly mutts and play a couple rounds of gold fish to keep Jasper entertained. Nessie and Esme must bake some brownies!"

Um….

"Right!" I tore off my clothes revealing a pink leotard. Of course I'm not naked under there! I sprinted into the kitchen and startled juggling the lemons. Emmett dug out romantic scented candles and some tangerines. He set up the candles and made a makeshift bed out of a box of cereal. "Hurry Emmett!" I urged.

"Tada!" he set the tangerine next to the lemon and lit the rose scented candles. He turned on the CD player. _"ohh baby…."_

Emmett grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. "Shh, Alice. Give them some privacy."

"Right! Let's go!" We took off toward the back door!

"WAIT!" Esme screeched. We came to a halt! "Did you do your geometry homework?"

"No…." We muttered.

"You can save the chickie's after you do your homework." Carlisle said firmly.

"Okay…." We agreed.

"Yay! We know how to parent!" Esme rejoiced.

_Meanwhile, in the Cullen's backyard…_

"Got any…. Three's?" Seth asked hopefully.

"No. Gold fish." Jacob muttered.

"Damn."

"I thought the game was called go fish?" Quil asked.

"I QUIT! THIS GAME IS TOO DAMN FRUSTRATING! AGHH!" Paul transformed into a fluff ball.

"Got any….. nine's?" Seth asked.

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Um. Wow. Two chapters in a row! Yay!


	4. Evil is Jasper!

Got to Love your Family

A/N – Thank you, oh amazing xx-twilight7-xx for inspiring me with your funny story, "Bored of Eternity"

Summary ~ Pin the tail on the donkey, muffins, pink miniskirts, a fluffy teddy bear, and toothpaste. What does this have to do with the Cullens? Oh well, they still love their Family! Nessie and Jacob will be included. Bella is vampire. After BD

Disclaimer ~ I don't own _Twilight _or anything affiliated with _Twilight._

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4. Evil is Jasper!

Edward's POV

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Hmm… ME IS BORED! "Bella! I am thinking you should come help me!" I screeched. Bella staggered into the room wearing nothing but a towel. I hardly noticed her, for she was hardly exposing any skin at all! And when you are a teenage vampire with depression issues, we notice skin exposure and omg omg omg, is that a-a-a…. A BUTTERFLY!

"I know what we can do! We can hire a ventriloquist to make a puppet out of this dead goldfish!" Bella held up a dead goldfish. "I named him Dead Goldfish." Her eyes were filled with love for the moldy corpse. OH NO! She is replacing meh!

EEK!

"That's a stupid idea Bella." I nagged in my best nagging voice.

She went all cross eyed at me. HOW DARE SHE? I watched her as she stomped away.

I'm still bored. Must. Entertain! MEH! Oh, I know! I shall sneak into the un-private minds of my fambily members. Hmm…. I am tuning in… CARLISLE!

_What is this? I have discovered… Orville Redenbacher! I wonder… munch. Popcorn tastes shiny!_

Oh no! He discovered Jasper's Popcorn stash!

Next I shall listen in on…. ALICE!

_Ohhhhhh, I'm a crazy lucky ducky, cause lucky rhymes with chucky! My monkey ran to the gas station and bought a bunch of truckies. The Monkey got mad when a Llama stole his buckies! La tee da, this is the ducky song, bee huh tree! It really is quite long! OHHHH!_

Well… That was weird.

I pick… Oh, there are so many choices… ESME!

_I wonder if Carlisle likes melted chocolate dribbled onto his chest while I strap him to the bed?_

EW! NOW I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE! EWEWEW! GOOD GOD, MOM!

I choose you, pika-Jasper!

_Mwahahaha. Phase one of my evil plan is in motion. Now for some joyous music. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Only a hippopotamus will do. Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy. I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy._

Oh no! I got Jasper a rhinoceros for Christmas! He's gonna be so pissed!

Well, it's just Emmett and Rosalie left. Ew…

_I wonder what happens when you put a hobo in the microwave?_

Emmett, you weirdo.

_JASPER! NOT COOL! Drat him and his evilness. He shoved me in my closet, which only locks from the inside, and locked the door! Now I'm trapped with Emmett! There is no escape! _

Hehe. Blondes.

Bella ran in fully clothed. "I got another idea, Edward! We could play… TRUTH OR DARE!"

"No. There are way too many fanfictions with 'Truth or Dare' and it is so unearthly boring! And not to mention the clichés. God Bella! Use your brain!" I huffed angrily.

Her lower lip trembled.

Psh, who cares about her lip! Look at what she's wearing! That sweater, so huge! Those jeans, so bland! OMG! I think I might be turned on!

"Damn girl…. You look so fine all dressed up like that, oh yeah!" I shouted. Bella struck a pose! "Oh, the way that sweater is so baggy and covers up every inch of your skin! It's too much! Bella, you whore!"

"I'm sorry, Jasper! I know it's hard for you!" She fell to the ground in grief; WAIT A MINUTE!

"Jasper? What the majorly cute puppies?"

"I can explain!" Bella pleaded! "I spilled purple juice on my sweater so I borrowed Jasper's sweatshirt! It's not my fault!"

"EW! That's my insanely evil brother!" I was repulsed. "That's it, Bella! Cover yourself up, we are visiting…." DUN DUN DUN! "MY FAMILY!"

I snatched Bella off the floor and burst out of the window! "Quick! To the Edward-Mo-Giraffe!" I hopped onto my Giraffe and rode towards the main Cullen house at the speed of grass growing! The wind flew through my hair!

"I believe in Tinkerbell!" I sang out with glee!

Wham! We ran into the side of the HOUSE! Oh no! Stupid Edward-Mo-Giraffe! You need your brakes fixed.

I hopped down from the silly giraffe, dragging Bella with me. I burst into the house. "Zot snoes! Me heb belanden honk!"

"So, you dare call me foolish…?" Jasper whirled around, twirling his fake mustache, an ebil glint in his evil eyes.

"DRAT! I am too late!" The sights around me horrified myself and Bella. Bella fell to the ground, sucking her thumb in horror… My family was tied up with aluminum foil! NOOOOO!

"Edward…! You must save us! This aluminum foil is to strong! Save us before…." Esme started giggling "Have you ever noticed how weird your hair is?"

"Shut up, Mother!" I wailed.

"You have dreadful hair!" Alice screeched.

"I like it…" Bella whispered from the floor.

"This is no time for hair discussions, which is reserved for Gay Tuesday at Taco Bell." I said calmly. "Now! Jasper, I challenge thee to a fight in which warriors will battle it out to save the things they cherish and then…. What was I going to do?"

"Duel me." Jasper filled in.

"Ah, yes! I challenge thee to…. A riveting game of Monoply!" I screamed!

_**TO BE CONTINUED**_

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_**IMMEDIATELY!**_

"I wanna be the car!" Jasper screamed!

"That's my favorite piece!" I whined.

"Noodles!" Jasper responded.

"That's it!" Alice stood up, tearing the foil off of herself and the other Cullens as though it were steel or some other light weight metal. "Jasper, my evil husband, let's go to the mall where we can dump spoiled goopy carbonara onto unsuspecting shoppers!"

"Oh, goody! Step 321 of my evil plan!" Jasper tore the moustache off and scampered after Alice.

"Nobody loves me!" I wailed!

"True." Bella nodded. "Nobody, not even your Edward-Mo-Giraffe."

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Review and the next chapter will come out sooner!

If you want to see a picture of Edward and his Edward-Mo-Giraffe, go to my profile!

"Zot snoes! Me heb belanden honk!" This means "Foolish ducks! I have arrived home!" in Dutch. Please correct me if i am wrong.


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